Art Is A Drug

 Art is a drug: Conversations with the Mockingbird
Mutability – 1. Liable or subject to change. 2. Given to changing; fickle or inconstant.
Like returning to a place, returning to a painting again and again trying to understand that each time it is different because you have changed.  Even if only a few minutes have pasted your place in the universe is not the same. The impressions from the moment before have changed everything in front of you now.  The light has changed, the way you hold the object has altered.  Your mood has changed.
And so what if you choose to let go of everything that anchors you to the reality of a subject.  The reliability of this is a tree.
Or that is an eye.  This is up and this is down.  How then do you begin to paint? What if you abandon any notion of exactly what you are painting and instead STOP ……. And LISTEN to the conversation inside your head.  You focus on the immediate impression of color.  You imagine seeing the canvas from the inside looking back at you. 
 What does a line say? How do you hold it under pressure and lay it down.  How does the tension of the slightest move toward horizon change the feel of that pressure? When is it calm and when does it scream?  Each change, each layer, each subtle manipulation is the conversation you are having. 
 I move pattern around.  I allow a form to consume me, change me, and drive me towards a destination unknown.  The process is birth and death simultaneously.
Some days I move forward, some days I feel like I have utterly failed.  It’s frustrating and it is euphoric and I cannot imagine wanting to do anything else. Unlike other endeavors in my life; it holds me.
Art is a powerful drug.  It can kill you and it can heal you but I know more than anything that it will
CHANGE YOU.